Even
as adults, managing our anger can be hard, and we’ve had years of
practice. For our children, who are just learning about their emotions,
keeping their anger in check can be especially difficult. Kids can
easily lash out at people who make them angry or situations that
frustrate them: name-calling when they lose a game or throwing the math
book across the room. Learning to manage anger is an ongoing process.
As parents, we can help by teaching our children to recognize what
sets them off.
Children are bombarded with difficult and new challenges on a daily
basis – slights from a best friend, a teacher with limited patience, a
sibling who picks on her, a math concept he can’t grasp, or a parent
that says “no.” And kids have different temperaments. Some children
struggle more than others with controlling their temper, even siblings
raised in the same house with the same parents.
Fortunately, there is an approach that my husband, James Lehman, and I have found that helps kids effectively manage their anger. It’s an eight-step method that will help you and your child together identify and work on the triggers that contribute to angry outbursts and plan alternative responses they can use the next time a similar trigger fires. Think of these steps as a “menu” of strategies you can use during the ongoing process of helping your kids learn to manage anger. What works for one child won’t necessarily work for another, so different pieces can be employed at different times with different kids.
Fortunately, there is an approach that my husband, James Lehman, and I have found that helps kids effectively manage their anger. It’s an eight-step method that will help you and your child together identify and work on the triggers that contribute to angry outbursts and plan alternative responses they can use the next time a similar trigger fires. Think of these steps as a “menu” of strategies you can use during the ongoing process of helping your kids learn to manage anger. What works for one child won’t necessarily work for another, so different pieces can be employed at different times with different kids.
- Diminish the Potential.
As a parent you are probably all too aware of what triggers your
child’s anger. Sometimes the best offense is a good defense - avoiding
the situation or putting the activity on hold until your child learns
better anger management. Of course there are activities like math class
that can’t be avoided, but others can be. If playing cards always ends
up in an argument for your sons, tell the kids to wait until an adult
can join in.
You can also replace a problem situation with a similar but less problematic one. If baseball brings out the worst in your son’s temper, find a less competitive alternative like track. Maybe your teen doesn’t do well after school with her sister. Help her find something she can do outside the house at that time like volunteering, diminishing the potential for an outburst. - Manage the Situation.
As parents we intervene in all kinds of situations to keep our kids
safe and happy. Likewise, you can redirect your child and help them
diffuse an angry interaction once it’s begun. Think about what cools
your child down when they’re heated up. For some kids, it may be a
time-out in their room, for others it might be going for a walk,
listening to music, or writing in their journal. If issues arise at
school, talk to the teacher to figure out what could work. Maybe it’s
getting a pass to the guidance counselor or working on their art
portfolio. This technique is especially effective when kids come up with their own ideas.
Ask your daughter what she thinks she could do to cool down the next
time she starts yelling at you. Kids can be pretty creative in coming
up with their own ways to manage their anger.
Related: Managing the Meltdown - Identify Trigger Thoughts.
It’s important to help your child look at what was happening and what
they were thinking that triggered their angry response. As James says in
The Total Transformation Program,
parents need to identify triggers, as these “will cause repetitive
incidents of unacceptable behavior if your child doesn’t learn how to
manage them.” The focus here is on the thoughts that fueled the
child’s negative feelings (fear, inadequacy, anger, jealousy) which led
to their angry response.
Start by investigating the problem situation with your child. Help him figure out what was going on and what he was thinking just before the angry outburst. To help him describe the trigger thoughts, have him imagine that someone videotaped the situation and when played back, he could hear what he was thinking at the time.
Parent: “When I asked you to go upstairs and clean your room, you swore at me, stomped up the stairs and slammed the door. Let’s talk about what happened and what you were thinking.”
Teen: “When you asked me to clean my room, I was just about to watch my favorite show on TV. I thought that you knew it was my favorite and picked that time to send me upstairs. You always let my brother watch his favorite show and his room is worse than mine. I thought that was really unfair and that made me angry.”
The trigger is thinking that the parent was unfair, which led to feelings that the parent favors the sibling, which led to the angry outburst. - Constructive Self-Talk. Once
you have identified the triggers, teach your child to tune in to and
turn around those underlying negative thoughts. Although it can be
hard, kids can learn to practice constructive self-talk which will help
them develop more acceptable responses to problem situations. If the
same problem situations happen over and over, it’s likely you’ll find
that negative self-talk is going on in your child’s head. Say your
daughter always blows-up at her older brother when he beats her at
basketball. Her self-talk probably sounds like: “I’m never good enough.
I’ll never beat him. I’m such a loser. He’s such a show-off.” Helping
her to recognize and switch around her negative self-talk can help her
to react differently the next time. Her constructive self-talk may
sound like: “I know I’m trying my best. He’s two years older and 4
inches taller. I’m actually pretty good at basketball when we play at
recess. I’m getting taller and better at lay-ups. Maybe someday I’ll
beat him.”
Related: Does Your Teen Have a Negative Self-image? Real Tips for Parents - A Simple Plan.
Help your child come up with a simple one- or two-step plan for what
to do when they are experiencing problem situations. If your child has
trouble in gym class, help him come up with a simple plan to cope with
the situation. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, embarrassed and
eventually angry, suggest that he talk to the teacher about another way
to demonstrate his ability or if he can do an alternative task. Maybe
he can arrange to take a brief break when feeling on the spot, a silent
signal to the teacher about his growing distress.
The important thing is to work it out ahead of time, tailor it to the situation, develop do-able alternatives and make sure your child is aware of the plan. For an older child, he will need to buy-in to the plan, as he’ll be the one using it. For a younger child, this may mean telling her what is going to happen differently. “If you have a tantrum at the store, we will leave immediately and won’t be able to buy that cereal you like.” - Communicate. Let
others know what the plan is. If your child is having a hard time in
math class, talk with the teacher and explain what you are trying to do
to help your child. “When my son is frustrated in math, he starts
thinking that he’s dumb and gets overly sensitive to criticism. Last
year it was helpful when his teacher let him do the problems at his own
pace. My son felt less pressure and often did well on the work. I hope
you can help us figure this out for this year.” You’ve let the teacher
know the problem, a potential strategy (or simple plan) to address the
problem, and elicited her support in making it work.
Related: “Scripts” to use with kids who act out in anger - Implement. Once you’ve come up with the simple plan, the sooner you can implement it, the more likely it is to work. Let’s say you’re taking your child to the football game, where they tend to get over-stimulated. Plan to sit in a less crowded area and take frequent breaks. Don’t make this plan in the summer, expecting you’ll remember in September. Instead develop it, tell your child and implement it right away. And don’t wait until the behavior is unmanageable. If your child is starting to get over-stimulated in the first quarter, take a break right away.
- Move On. It’s important to move on after trying a plan. If it was successful, great! It works and you can use it again. If it wasn’t, it may take a few tries or some tweaking. Help your child understand that it’s okay and that you’ll try it again or try something different next time. You both did your best; you tried something new and you’ll try again next time with more success.
http://child-behavior-help.info
My older one had issues adapting to the thought of having a brother and this exploded in our face, I then learned angry children are super hard to calm down. He started misbehaving and things didn’t stop until we had a long talk with him explaining how having a smaller brother was actually a big advantage. Now he’s the best brother in the whole wide world, he was beyond excited when he learned how to change diapers haha!
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